finding myself

~ stormy insides


doubts assail you at the worst times. then again, it is only the worst times because we make it seem so.

we are who we are today because of our past. but does that affect our future?

history has always implicated itself onto future generations. we learn from previous actions, for all the right reasons. somewhat naive and skeptical of Sejarah Malaysia, i always found Sejarah Dunia mightily more interesting.

i am doubtful. it bothers me because it is persistently clouding my senses. i dont think i think straight, and i dont seem to look ahead. i cannot see beyond today, and i dont even try.

i didnt go to the front today.

something held me back, keeping me rooted to the ground i was standing on. i was overwhelmed, high on the giddy atmosphere.. but something made me keep the encouragements at bay. i am still wondering why, and i hope i find the answer soon.

i want to be able to know for myself, the extent of my faith. which is till now, questionable. i am nowhere near being able to walk the steps of righteousness, let alone commit to the direction it is supposed to show me. uncertainty hangs ominously in the air, subtle but very much present. if there was anything i was sure of, i am certain that i am uncertain.

i've always regarded fairly lightly the whole issue about the differences between having passion or simply being able to get through.

in the hall today, PASSION was written all over the faces of people i've never seen before. the energy was astounding, even in the student-laden mist of drownable exams. would i be able to give as much? to see in Him what they see? prayers are only as far as i have gotten, although i truly enjoy the football-alike atmosphere. i do believe. i just dont know how much, and how far i am willing to go with it. but if i dont take my first step forward, how will i ever know?

.e x p l o r a t i o n s o f a r a w m i n d.

today's speaker made sense. That's something else that struck me as amazing- its applicability not just to the Christian life, but also to everyday life.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

what happened to the inquisitive kids we once were?
we once hurled questions at our parents, without having to think twice. we were not afraid to ask for new toys and birthday presents. we cried (or threw tantrums) when things didnt go our way. we found ways to get what we wanted.

what are we today?
we control our actions, we hide our emotions. we put up a front. are we in any way different from the actors on screen? we settle into mundanity, believing generally accepted assumptions, perpetuating the typical member of society. more often than not, we forget to ask ourselves why. why are we doing what we are doing... AND what can we do to make a change?

i may speak for only a few of us, but sometimes, the restraint we place upon ourselves has got to go.

now if only we knew where to start.