.

everyday after work, i find myself looking for something i dont even know.

i'll walk into the Ole Supermarket at the Twin Mall. sometimes i come out with 3 pastries, sometimes 1, sometimes i dont buy anything. today i bought a sandwich.

i'll walk aimlessly along DongDaQiao Road, hoping to come across an interesting store that would catch my eye. there never is any treasure to stumble upon.

i'll walk into many titbit stalls, fast food eateries and sweet-smelling bakeries along the way. sometimes i look at the menu, feel disappointed, and walk out. most of the time, i buy something i dont even want to eat. but i finish it anyway.

i'll browse through Zara, Mango, Jessica, and other the retail outlets at The Place, twice over, in the casual, women's and men's section. of course, i've never once found a decent piece that i wanted to try on, or buy for someone.

then i'll go to every bus stop, trying to find the right bus to take me back to the apartment, even though a part of me already knows i'll end up getting on a random bus after checking 10 bus stops. the bus conductor can tell me the way anyway.

or i'll feel the wind brush against my skin every 3 minutes in the subway station, because i watch every train open its doors.. but never get in. because i just cant be stuffed to join the mass of angry people mashed up inside the train.

and i'll get to Dongzhimen station, and confuse myself with the gate entrances despite having moved into the apartment for almost a month now. and after making the same mistake everyday, i'll walk into Ole Supermarket again, this time at Ginza Mall, and look through their bread section that i already know like the back of my hand. i'll still walk around the aisle anyway, deliberating, but knowing that it would be the same variety as yesterday. most of the time, i end up buying the same flaky pastry with butter cake inside. the one time i bought their chocolate cake, i almost puked from the sickly sweet chocolate syrup and abundant cream. today i bought yogurt.

i'll then walk to the mini supermarket opposite my apartment, and pick up cheap, random junk that i know will make me hate myself when im done with eating them. but i do it anyway.

and every night after hating myself i'll try to sleep, but end up tossing and turning. or having little naps with vivid dreams that bother me. and so i dont really sleep.

i drive myself to the point of disgust at the food i eat, the money i spend, the time i waste and the lifestyle i lead. but i also cant be bothered to change.

i think something inside me has died.

and i dont know how to go about it anymore.