.

everyday after work, i find myself looking for something i dont even know.

i'll walk into the Ole Supermarket at the Twin Mall. sometimes i come out with 3 pastries, sometimes 1, sometimes i dont buy anything. today i bought a sandwich.

i'll walk aimlessly along DongDaQiao Road, hoping to come across an interesting store that would catch my eye. there never is any treasure to stumble upon.

i'll walk into many titbit stalls, fast food eateries and sweet-smelling bakeries along the way. sometimes i look at the menu, feel disappointed, and walk out. most of the time, i buy something i dont even want to eat. but i finish it anyway.

i'll browse through Zara, Mango, Jessica, and other the retail outlets at The Place, twice over, in the casual, women's and men's section. of course, i've never once found a decent piece that i wanted to try on, or buy for someone.

then i'll go to every bus stop, trying to find the right bus to take me back to the apartment, even though a part of me already knows i'll end up getting on a random bus after checking 10 bus stops. the bus conductor can tell me the way anyway.

or i'll feel the wind brush against my skin every 3 minutes in the subway station, because i watch every train open its doors.. but never get in. because i just cant be stuffed to join the mass of angry people mashed up inside the train.

and i'll get to Dongzhimen station, and confuse myself with the gate entrances despite having moved into the apartment for almost a month now. and after making the same mistake everyday, i'll walk into Ole Supermarket again, this time at Ginza Mall, and look through their bread section that i already know like the back of my hand. i'll still walk around the aisle anyway, deliberating, but knowing that it would be the same variety as yesterday. most of the time, i end up buying the same flaky pastry with butter cake inside. the one time i bought their chocolate cake, i almost puked from the sickly sweet chocolate syrup and abundant cream. today i bought yogurt.

i'll then walk to the mini supermarket opposite my apartment, and pick up cheap, random junk that i know will make me hate myself when im done with eating them. but i do it anyway.

and every night after hating myself i'll try to sleep, but end up tossing and turning. or having little naps with vivid dreams that bother me. and so i dont really sleep.

i drive myself to the point of disgust at the food i eat, the money i spend, the time i waste and the lifestyle i lead. but i also cant be bothered to change.

i think something inside me has died.

and i dont know how to go about it anymore.

love weekends

especially waking up to a stream of sunlight gently flooding the room on a glorious afternoon. it's idyllic to just lie in bed snuggling against Honey, Whale-phin, three other pillows and a light comforter. makes for a great start to the day.

today's screening of Boomtown Beijing provided an insight into how the lives of some of the city dwellers have changed in tandem with the upcoming Beijing Olympics 2008. on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the cozy Salud Bar at Nanluoguxiang, a few of us AIESECers trespassed into the seemingly ordinary lives of a passionate 12 year old child, a righteous taxi driver, a visually-impaired athlete and an educated elderly man. irrevocably linked, all three harbour noble dreams of making a difference for themselves, their family, and the country they call home.

the documentary was admirably local, touching on the importance of before and after rather than focusing on the grand show of today. filmed a year ago, the story tries to capture the essence of Beijingers living in the countdown of the upcoming Olympics. the film explores the tribulations of a young boy who wants to be an Olympic torchbearer, a taxi driver who wants to be a model citizen for the world to see, a determined athlete who wishes to bring home a Paralympic gold medal for his country, and a determined old man who wants more than anything to share the Chinese art of stick-flipping and ribbon-dancing.

it makes me think of how far Beijing has come since the days of extremely-tight government control, of how astounding sky scrapers now adorn the city's grey skies, and of the changes it has brought to society. in the subtle ways of society behaviour, materialistic desires are interwoven with a genuine need to retain sanity in a city where rapid growth is the only way to go. some have gladly embraced the economy growth, and along with that western cultural infiltratons and mindsets.. but is it at the expense of their identity? the children of today no longer do their own farming to bring rice home, while the old still plant vegetations in their relocated apartment compounds because they cannot let go of a lifestyle that was so ingrained in them.


do the locals all wait in anticipation of what the Olympics has to bring, or have they already spit out the bitter taste of what is to come in light of critical media spotlight from the world? do they understand the government's ambitious plans for infrastructure and technology, or do they clamour away at the remaining bits of familiar sanctuary soon to be given up for modern housing? what is the best way to preserve cultural heritage while alleviating poverty and providing a higher standard of living for the huge mass of people living under the five-star-red-flag banner? does such a way exist without compromising the virtues of yesterday?

if there was something i took away from today, it's that behind every champion is a multitude of failed attempts by other determined but forgotten souls. and it is the latter that makes the outcome extraordinary.

funny how

chinese men wear their shirts halfway up on the streets, showcasing tummy glory for all to see. the feel of cool breeze against sweaty skin must be well worth the exposure..

a bowl of 小豆面 doesnt taste as good as it should in a solitary meal, as compared to when there was company. how come it makes such a big difference?

text on the computer screen seem to get smaller each day. i have been enlarging the text size to 150% their original size, or hitting the Ctrl + too often. this cant be a call for spectacles...?!

changing rooms in china gyms have no doors, no curtains and no shame. the shower hall is a mass of water and naked bodies that strut their stuff like no tomorrow. awesome.

senior managers have a publicly-assumed right to throw tantrums in mid-day. throw in an unfortunate local employee, some heels and a pretend-nonchalant audience to boot. that's office drama for you.

every monday has been a renewal of diet vows, because they keep getting broken with KFC cravings, McDonalds dinners, instant noodle suppers and ice-cream indulgence. did i mention beer?


having a slightly less harrowing trip on the subway involves spending more time traveling. just leave the house half an hour before you should, and work another hour overtime. simple measures to tire your body, but rest your crowd-averse soul.




moving closer to work also meant leaving loved ones behind.. in a way. got so attached to wangjing and its people that it felt like i was moving away from home, instead of moving into a my own home. why does every little thing remind me of goodbyes?

there is a distinct odour in every mode of public transport. step in for a whiff of everyday stench. welcome to Beijing, where sun and sweat play together in summer.

having a shower is essentially a game of luck. the temperature rotates from icy cold to steaming hot in 3 minutes. i shower for 15. one minute you're testing the water.. the next minute you're jumping out of it.

walking is the best remedy for everything. heavy dinners feel lighter, lines of thought become clearer and heartaches are less of an ache. the puppy search in the rain with a good-hearted korean stranger was cool. now moving on to finding comfortable working shoes..

things start falling into place just when you thought you have hit the roof. you look back and laugh at yourself, and be thankful for the friends who not only put up with your crap but waddled in the mud with you. you both, especially.

im looking forward to the best 前并 opposite the apartment tomorrow. crispy goodness, cant wait :D

different name same game

how do you expect me to believe you?

you and your sugar sweet words and beautiful bluntness. i may have unwittingly played your game before, but it was naivety that did me in, and unjustified assumption that made you lose the match. the first time was nothing more than empty guilt, but the second time you made me hope. it was obvious the fittings did not suit the layout, yet i turned a blind eye to the misfit. thrice stupid, except this time, i am not going to let it get past tonight. i may have partook of your luring scheme, but this is only a short-term stay.

i just cant believe you almost fooled me again.


there never is a right one, is there?

silly me, to spend my few free hours searching for something, anything, that could remotely deceive me into believing that there could be a connection, however small that link may be. of course there were the right moments. the casting glance lasts a split second too long, and you know in that instant that there is meaning to more than meets the eye. the customary parting step, the barely audible whisper that traces the last farewell.. and more. the design is perhaps more creative than before, but there is still nothing one can do to the blueprint. and so the same people half-battle, half-concede to a setting that is so strikingly similar to what was before. no agreement. no resolution. no truths. or maybe this is the truth.

to want to believe, to secretly hope, to be afraid of being disappointed again.. these are the traits of the willing fool.

apartment-hunting sucks.
so does the humid weather, horrible civic attitude of the local Chinese and the reckless drivers on the road.
it is fucking rock bottom when the past catches up with you, and you are reminded of things you thought you forgot about.

there's something in the air..

.. makes you wonder if you're breathing in air or smog.

the week has been a blur of festivities ranging from hanging out at 南锣鼓巷, travelling across 望京 looking for a badminton court, meeting thomas' incredibly nice chinese colleagues, discussing, worrying and then re-evaluating the job at Savills, having a rain adventure in 三利屯, and of course, being forced to walk up & down 26 flights of stairs.

i know better than to let this week go without appreciating the little things; like learning the bus system, knowing the best spot to stand on the subway, and finding home on a white and orange sofa. cannot believe i will join the throng of workaholics next week!

so long, farewell..

i wish not to say goodbye.

it is said the world over, and repeated too many times, but time really just flew by. cannot even begin to comprehend how this experience will affect me in the future, whether directly or indirectly. to have people from all over the world flock to Beijing, for the purpose of learning the language, and by so, understand that little bit more about the intricasies of the Chinese culture. we are different from each other in so many aspects, but yet like-minded enough to want to learn. to know. to share. i have made so many new friends; some close enough to randomly give a call wherever they may be in the world, while others make a memory of my time at BLCU. it almost feels like stolen time, because everyone comes together for too short a time just to steal a few good moments.

today was the last day of class. in room 210, we shared our experiences with our three teachers who painstakingly taught us with more patience than you and me combined.

郭老师, 我最后明白为什么您觉得我们俩的想法很像. 有很多事情, 虽然遇到困难, 我们都能做得好. 我希望未来也能坚持克服什么困难, 然后可以一起分享我们的亲身体验. 董老师, 您教得真好. 老师上课很精彩, 所以我们同学从来都不觉得无聊. 我们的口语水平很快就可以提高是因为有您的关照. 封老师, 我们都觉得您对同学们真耐心呀! 因为您的皮肤白白的, 所以穿着红色的衣服真相配.在我们的心里, 老师们已经留下了很大的印象.我非常感谢!

flowers, thank you cards, little notes, and even a class video can only add on to the colourful experiences we had in the classroom, and out of it. funny how 3 months can do so much. doing an intensive language course is like going on a holiday with a 100 other strangers, only to find that they are the brothers and sisters that God forgot to give you. maybe one day our paths will cross again, in Beijing, or in another part of the world. for now, i wish all of you the very best.

(the sweetest, Beijing kaoya dinner, joyful jess' birthday, toothy tomo's birthday, at Mutianyu Great Wall of China, at Bei Hai Park, limestone cave before Shidu, night out at Pyro's & Propaganda, all smiles, Olympic Stadium Birds' Nest for China Athletics Open, spell BLCU at Inner Mongolia desert, the best classmates, farewell dinner at Conference Centre, acting stupid at Tian Tan, exploring Tsinghua & Beijing Uni on a bicycle)

the jump

Shi Du (十渡), dubbed the Guilin of the North

your heart pumps too fast, your pulse rocks your insides, your hands tremble ever so slightly. on your left, friends clutch at you, undecided between the anticipation of an exquisite adrenaline rush or the tiny possibility that this might actually hurt. on your right, the tiny platform beckons menacingly at you, the last step on solid ground before you plunge headfirst into a seemingly endless drop. you laugh your fears away, half-wishing you could turn back and walk down the safe route. sensations numb your brain, a heady rush consuming your entire self. it is already your turn. you say your goodbyes, smile your bravest smile, and drag your feet to the plank.

images flash through your mind.. barely registering.
Him. dad. him. home. Peter Pan's Wendy. the mountains ahead, the river below. girlfriends jumping after you.

you lift your hands up at your sides, titanic-style.

for a moment, you are on top of the world..



and then you start falling.




good thing the scenery was quite a sight, even with cloudy weather.

just because.

why bother
I write because I want to remember. I want to look back 20 years from now, and indulge in reminiscence at past adventures, laugh at once-special lovestruck jolts, see how far Ive come since the days of old reflections, gross humour and childlike naivety. Because hey, if I don’t even know what’s gonna happen tomorrow, how else will I remember today?

I write because I want my friends to know that I'm still surviving little struggles and living big dreams, and well, maybe stuck in an emotional rut sometimes. If they drop a line to say hi and share their own life stories, that usually more than makes my day. As for being too cryptic, it' because I still find the blogsphere too revealing for my own good. To share the more intimate details of my personal life is to be like the rose trees strutting their colours along Beijing's streets, just waiting to be plucked! I both admire and am appalled at those who have no qualms with online privacy.

I write because I want to know what others think about issues that I hold close to my heart. In a way, it also keeps me accountable to my words. I want to hear like-minded thoughts, different opinions and perhaps a whole new aspect beyond what I already know.

Outside The Forbidden City

sunny side-up
There are extremely good moments caught over lunch breaks with some classmates. Like when we had an incredibly meaningful but downright hilarious conversation about what our 最理想的职业 will be. Over the noise and dank atmosphere in the 食堂,we exchanged our thoughts on the ideal profession in a unique language mixture of Chinese, English and Indonesian. More amusing is the volleyball jargon I've picked up from the locals on the courts, a delightful few hours almost every evening.

Weekends are interesting, because there really is quite a bit to do here if you wanna play tourist. From the cultural class trips to Bei Hai Park (北海公园) and Temple of Heaven (天坛), to weekly get-togethers with the city dwellers who live 8 subway stops away, the experience feels more of a growing journey than Melbourne was. There was also the surprisingly successful picnic out at Chao Yang Park with a random bunch of people thrown together on a lovely Sunday afternoon. definitely up for more jianzi, volleyball with a soccer ball and cheese with french loaf!

Picnic at Chao Yang Gong Yuan

Class Outing to Bei Hai Gong Yuan

From Melbourne to Beijing

B8 goes to Tian Tan

mental wars

Then there’s the horrible days where I stuff down half a tub of peanut butter in one sitting, and spend the remaining hours of the day hating myself for that. Only to finish the other half the next day. It's incredibly tiring trying to refrain from puking when your post-meal conscience eats away at your insides.

Being a woman also means it's really easy to come crashing down after a high. Worse still, it hits you without you even realizing it. A lazy meal of porridge, a snippet of earthquake updates, a text from home.. any one enough to render you to tears within seconds. for no apparent reason! am so wired for a rocky week ahead.

Sunset at Chao Yang Gong Yuan

the hike up
Now that I've finally gotten internet credit, I can dedicate time to some serious job-matching. Furthermore, I'm not going to turn on the television for the whole of tomorrow, because waking up to the earthquake updates every day just ends up starting your day on a sombre note. Instead, I’ll turn up Last Night A Deejay Saved My Life (the Fabulous version) to get the body grooving.

And my goodness, no more peanut butter for a month. For real.

If you try hard enough, one day it'll all be alright.