shots from the past

while i had a rather colourful childhood, there are some things i remember more vividly than others.

i remember standing outside in the rain because i was jealous of the attention my parents gave my brother.
i remember being locked in the store room.
i remember reluctantly taking up mental arithmetic class, only to learn that homework could be escaped through other means.
i remember being teased, and wanting to prove myself more than ever.
i remember arriving late to my Golden Kids News recognition and awards ceremony. flustered and excited, i got my cert from the receptionist who told me it was already over.

i was eleven.

high school was bittersweet.
the teachers hated me, and gladly shared their appalling stories of me to fire my parents' fury.
pity, they could never kick a student out of school when she was a statistic to good academic results.
i had nothing to prove; the combination of frustration and surprise on the teachers' faces was always sweet victory enough.
i loved the track, the volleyball court, the adrenaline rush, the spirit of the team, the determination to win, the roaring support.
i loved rebelling because i hated the rules, even if it spelt more trouble.
i hated going home.
i got used to punishments.
but i never got over the memories.

i was sixteen, but i felt older.

i cleaned out my old books today, two huge boxes worth of textbooks, revision papers and tuition notes. most i threw out, some i kept in my heart. it felt like i was cleaning up my system at the same time.

i swore never to relive the pain.
i swore never to speak of it again.
but the past hunts you down, reminding you why you are here today.

i wish i had the courage to look at it straight in the eye and say i have let go.

even when i havent.

im home!

i've had licking-lapping-jumping sessions with russell and chester, multiple catch ups with daddy and bro, new clothes from mummy =], satisfied my prawn mee craving, bought toiletries, re-enrolled (about time) and burned a feel good CD to listen to while im on the road. im looking forward to my first home-cooked meal at home in 4 months!

this friday has been gooood, even if i dont have my line yet. thank you for all the well wishes, i had a pleasant enough flight considering i caught 4 movies back to back, stopping only for toilet breaks and requests for more peanuts and water. by the time i reached klia, i had a throbbing headache due to the overdose of small-screen tv and loose headphones.

recapping the last few moments of melbourne..

pi

hui wen, jaclyn, phaik wah, liss, jinyin, smalls, kit mey

beach

.. and the countdown ends with a night by docklands. familiar faces at every turn, great company, packed bar, happy people, mediocre music. the westgate towers were so beautiful at night- much like a thousand tinkerbells swirling around the bridge in boundless, perfect unison. they were birds lit by the lights i think. the best eye candy as yet.

i swear im older than i am. or i've gone off the clubbing scene prematurely. or i didn't drink enough. either way, the place looks way better with the lights off. pity i only have a few measly shots at hand.

bbypers, lissoism, piggyoinks. fayelove, you shouda been there.

meldee baybee, it was a great weekend with you by my side.

and ge hui

one night on bourke

pretty lights and three trigger-deprived people after a fab service at planetshakers. thank you joshua, not just for the picture, but for sharing your faith with us.

hui ting's bday bash

Christmas arrives early in Melbourne when the sweetest, coolest housemate celebrates her 22nd the night before i leave for home!

thank you for painstakingly baking cakes and cookies for my poor broken soul during the exams, buying dark chocolate for me, accompanying me on my vitamin and souvenir sprees and being the person you are. i hope all goes well with your future undertakings. will miss you like crazy.

the night before

*heart* vyanne, hui ting, liss

what if

what if i told you that continuously pushing your way to the front does not get you any further?

it does not make you any more superior than your friends.
it does not make your life more fulfilling.
being centre of attention is not everything in life.
you need to learn how to step back every now and then.

what if i told you that i could see the deceit through your multi-faceted smile?

sheer superficiality.

what if i told you that i can feel the lies behind your one milisecond response lag?

maybe you were caught off-guard.
which is surprising, i thought you would have the rehearsed excuses at your fingertips ready to be expensed at any given time.

what if i told you that i caught the raw emotion in your eyes before you covered it with something else?

im not exactly sure what it was- fear that you said too much of yourself, uncertain about how much you should let on, and whether it would change the way people thought of you.
sometimes, we say things just for the sake of saying it.
mindless, meaningless jargon perfected over time.

what if i could guess your thought process, and sense the deliberated action that came after that?

what if i can calculate your moves before you calculated yours?

what if i told you the truth for once?

happy thoughts

reason #1
the weather today is lovelyy!

i stepped out into semi-cold, sunshiney air.
one hour later, violent winds blew through the city.
how good is that?

i love how the wind blows your hair apart.

reason #2
daddy says: "breaking news from CNN Malaysia. your brother passed his driving test."

*yay* i officially have a chauffeur when i get back!

i bet you cant wait to drive me around nick.

reason #3
money matters look slight better=]

why:
- i finally applied for internet banking to keep track of my (exponentially declining) balance.
- i might just have enough money to last me this week.
- i dont have to steal or live off bread, tuna and lettuce!
- i dont have to watch other people drink in bars/clubs and stare forlornly. i can afford ONE drink!

reason #4
the city has stars all over the place! big and small stars peeking out everywhere! pity im missing Christmas in Melbourne.

and the trees are no longer bald. they're green!


reason #5
someone wrote me a beautiful verse in response to my previous bout of emo-ness.

an excerpt;

Let your friends walk with you.
Together, we bask in the warmth of the sun and in the lushness of the park. Behold the glory of Mother Nature.
We have each other, to calm and embrace.

Let your friends boost you up.
Together, we fight the demons of Guilt, Indolence and Avoidance. And let’s not forget, those irritating minions of Gluttony.
We have each other, for power and persistence; for comfort and solace.

You can count on us,
to watch out for you,
to catch you when you fall,
to pick up the pieces, and of course, you.
When you spiral into the depths of despair that no one can understand, we will still be there, right by your side, ready whenever you are.

sweet joyce.. seen here with thomas who alerts me whenever there is a rainbow! hehe.

what would i do without you guys?

reason #6
guess who im seeing real soon?

the cheeky boy!

and the wonder boy!

reason #7
i have succumbed to the world of music-sharing limewire.
having been deprived for a year, i now have a truckload of rejuvenating and party-worthy songs to add on to the list of distractions.

but it's so good on the ears..

..now it's time to hit the audio lectures once more.

waterfalls

a broken spirit, a tired soul.

what do you do when you have spent hours of agonizing over notes never read before, and your conscience is heatedly debating whether to hit the sack and call it a night or brave the eleventh hours and risk falling asleep in the exam?

the morning air is so refreshing. the trees wave their green hands over you, welcoming you into the royal exhibition building. calm and soothing, the aura of tranquility embraces you for that few precious minutes.

the walk is so lonely.

what do you do when you have exhausted both your mental and emotional strength, and feel even more drained waking up from a nap? you have already forayed into all comfort food alternatives, and you are too tired to cry out for solace.

you reach a point when you are about as fragile as a porcelain vase balancing precariously on the edge of the table. any fleeting touch brings you crashing down, spiralling into the depths of despair never understood.

you become a baby, maybe even needier. but no one is there to carry you through and cradle you to sleep. 'sweet dreams' is merely a fantasy, a reverie of hope never attained. you stare blankly into space, contemplating a walk outside but fear the cold. your indolence overwhelms you, hindering any movement, any thought, any recovery. physical inertia.

phonecalls do not get through. frustration forces its way through. the sea of helplessness builds.
warmth is absent, comfort is scarce.

lost in time, the seconds feel like hours.

and then a simple are you okay moves you to tears.

suddenly the accumulation of every little insensitive remark, the guilt of unattempted work and the pressure to succeed unfolds into an avalanche of melancholia.

how can you lift the white flag when there is no resolution to end the war?

just breathe and walk away.

im living on..

planetshakers.
tea.
coffee.
coffee and cream crackers.
old gold dark chocolate.
lindt's dark chocolate.
lindt's orange intense dark chocolate.
hui ting's cookies.
hui ting's cakes.
hui ting's pizzas.
pocky's.
jellybeans.
orange mandarin jellies.
more tea and coffee.
tim tam quartro.
huge breakfasts.
even huger lunches.
teatime, enourmous dinners, suppers.
chocolate.

i feel a giant belly coming.

HELP!

*gasP* did i just lose my last post? oh my.
i blame the exams.

foxy tales

on the phone last night, daddy dearest dropped a bomb.
" i know what you are. you are a fox."
"i, on the other hand, am a beaver and an owl."

i love his randomness, i love his delightful insights. everytime i talk to him, i'm reminded of why i miss home so much. his quirky and sometimes sick sense of humour makes me happy. his thoughts reflect wisdom gained through years of hardship and determination. i am who i am today because of his unfailing support and strength.

truth is, my dad is the most influential person in my life.

so why am i a fox?
apparently, foxes take things easily, and only do what is required of them when needed to. adaptable, impulsive, and definitely not a planner.
no, nothing about being sly, cunning or sexy foxy. darn.

i looked up the dictionary.
fox
1. a. Any of various carnivorous mammals of the genus Vulpes and related genera, related to the dogs and wolves and characteristically having upright ears, a pointed snout, and a long bushy tail.
b. The fur of one of these mammals.
2. A crafty, sly, or clever person.
3. Slang: A sexually attractive person.
4. Nautical: Small cordage made by twisting together two or more strands of tarred yarn.
5. Archaic: A sword.

foxy fun at the loo

the beaver is a planner. a beaver builds its home for the future. a beaver pops his head up every now and then to survey his surroundings. cautious, organized and alert. the owl makes his catch silently, but surely. a master of its territory, it sees through the tiny loopholes, dark as it may be.


i wonder if the fox can learn to be a beaver/owl someday. the foxerowl in making.

flashing back to what ee lin said in Urban Life, we are governed by our desires and expectations. when we indulge in shopping, MSN, food and the like, it is fuelled by the desire to do so. we expect to come out feeling somewhat better, even if it isnt necessarily for the best of us. if you can channel your desires into something bigger, greater.. He will deliver what you expect.

sigh, chocolate indulgence- the best kind of bad.