sweet nothings

even if i dont say it anymore,

you know I LOVE YOU.

tonight

weird. i really thought i had it all under control. that leaving melbourne was a piece of cake, once you got all that not-so-important-junk thrown out of the tiny cramped room and the 100kgs worth of more-important-shit stuffed into suitcases ready to be flown home.

yeah, all it took was one flight back to summer paradise and i would start a new chapter of my life. no heart pangs, no melancholic daydreams.. zilch. absolutely nothing. i settled right back in, a little like how you would instinctively close a book after finishing it. this coming from someone who loved the over-proclaimed laidback lifestyle. it really was good, doing things at your own will.. sleeping whenever, or not sleeping at all.. fending and mending the self-nourished soul. making and stretching time, squeezing slots in.. doing grocery shopping like there was no tomorrow. the apartment was so cozy with all that keepsake around..

as a hoarder, i kept everything. name tags, cards, sugar cubes (mostly from AIESECers, and some so frayed at the edges they could tear any moment), tickets to every event ever went to, nice sms-es (copied down in a blue diary somewhere), envelopes, postcards.. anything that could possibly have a personal value in it, i kept it. the memories were just like yesterday. someone once said that i could possibly be living in the past. that passing comment stuck, for i was afraid that it might very well be true.

so how did i take one step forward and never looked back?

.. until tonight, that is.

something about tonight's little rendesvous caught me by surprise. just sitting at the overdue wooden table, abandoned by the waiters, lazing under The Curve's night's blanket. mildly amused, chuckling, talking about absolutely nothing and everything at the same time, seeing smiles, hearing laughter.. making waves. this is gonna sound so corny, but it was just beautiful. not perfect, but it's one of those times that you can look back on the night itself, and just be blown away by the simplicity of such pleasures. for me anyway. i really dont know how to put it into words, but im trying..

it's like, feeling so at peace that you actually forgot about the worries of the world during that piece of stolen time. and because you were actually in the moment, with armour and shield down, you could not have realized then how priceless that feeling was.. and hence the reflection thereafter. it is just.. wow. the lightness of heart, caught in that frame of mind.. ah, such beauty. all this rambling probably doesnt make sense unless you were there. or if you think just like me.

should have known that AIESEC has kept me together all this while.. despite breaking a few bad bones along the way. it's that subtle difference that makes you. and it's the people that make AIESEC. tonight was special. it reminded me of the times that we had, good and bad, but magnificent all in all. the times that i will no longer partake in, not in the near future anyway. the ease of conversation that just flows, and can go on the whole night if given the chance. the delicate you, an over-achiever beyond a doubt. you work your magic all the time. the amazing you, a most trusted friend and confidante. adept, capable, a pillar of strength. cant believe you're leaving too, it's gonna be weird not having you around. we squabble, but you know i love you. the steady you, so down to earth and and yet so full of hidden talent. the joyful you, how i wish i knew you earlier.. you have such a happy heart.
bowling was fun, guys. but the only feeling worse than leaving loved ones, is being left behind instead. please come back soon.

au naturel, the sanctuary detour

i wish i could paint..

if every stroke could take a piece of me away.
every movement, so languid and full-bodied that the release could free the tension.
the colours, splashed in all directions with no end at all..
freedom like never known before, beckoning across the white canvas.

i wish i could leave at once..
for greener pastures and a new beginning.
but how can i leave in peace, when there is so much that holds me back and stops me from running the extra mile.
for which is the bigger sacrifice,
the possibility of a better tomorrow, or the certainty of happiness today?

i wish i did not care..
because then i would not harbour hopes so high they drove me giddy,
unknowingly inviting the bitter taste of disappointment thereafter.
it's crazy, how i want so much to feel,
and yet loathe the entourage of emotions that keep expectations company.

and yet this is what makes me whole.
this is what makes me who i am today.
why i can lie on my bed and stare at the stars put up years ago..



and marvel at how they still glow in the dark.

i love you, but i hate what you've done to me.

the wounds can only make me stronger.

my Lovely Lace shirt says:

All I need to know about life I learned from my Teddy Bear

[insert pic of cute brown teddy bear face]

~ Hugs are even better than chocolate
~ There's no such thing as too many kisses
~ One good cuddle can change a grumpy day
~ Love is supposed to wear out your fur a little
~ It's okay to let your inside stuffing show now and then
~ Listening is as important as talking
~ Someone's got to keep their eyes open all the time
~ It's never too late to have a happy childhood
~ Everyone needs someone to hold them

funny how it only makes so much sense now when you've been wearing it to sleep for years.