finding myself

~ stormy insides


doubts assail you at the worst times. then again, it is only the worst times because we make it seem so.

we are who we are today because of our past. but does that affect our future?

history has always implicated itself onto future generations. we learn from previous actions, for all the right reasons. somewhat naive and skeptical of Sejarah Malaysia, i always found Sejarah Dunia mightily more interesting.

i am doubtful. it bothers me because it is persistently clouding my senses. i dont think i think straight, and i dont seem to look ahead. i cannot see beyond today, and i dont even try.

i didnt go to the front today.

something held me back, keeping me rooted to the ground i was standing on. i was overwhelmed, high on the giddy atmosphere.. but something made me keep the encouragements at bay. i am still wondering why, and i hope i find the answer soon.

i want to be able to know for myself, the extent of my faith. which is till now, questionable. i am nowhere near being able to walk the steps of righteousness, let alone commit to the direction it is supposed to show me. uncertainty hangs ominously in the air, subtle but very much present. if there was anything i was sure of, i am certain that i am uncertain.

i've always regarded fairly lightly the whole issue about the differences between having passion or simply being able to get through.

in the hall today, PASSION was written all over the faces of people i've never seen before. the energy was astounding, even in the student-laden mist of drownable exams. would i be able to give as much? to see in Him what they see? prayers are only as far as i have gotten, although i truly enjoy the football-alike atmosphere. i do believe. i just dont know how much, and how far i am willing to go with it. but if i dont take my first step forward, how will i ever know?

.e x p l o r a t i o n s o f a r a w m i n d.

today's speaker made sense. That's something else that struck me as amazing- its applicability not just to the Christian life, but also to everyday life.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7

what happened to the inquisitive kids we once were?
we once hurled questions at our parents, without having to think twice. we were not afraid to ask for new toys and birthday presents. we cried (or threw tantrums) when things didnt go our way. we found ways to get what we wanted.

what are we today?
we control our actions, we hide our emotions. we put up a front. are we in any way different from the actors on screen? we settle into mundanity, believing generally accepted assumptions, perpetuating the typical member of society. more often than not, we forget to ask ourselves why. why are we doing what we are doing... AND what can we do to make a change?

i may speak for only a few of us, but sometimes, the restraint we place upon ourselves has got to go.

now if only we knew where to start.

what say you?

If u r an Asian, African or Jewish ...... PLS DON'T BUY ANYTHING From Tommy Hilfiger!!!

*I'm sure many of you watched the recent taping of the Oprah Winfrey show where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if the statements about race he was accused of saying were true. Statements like "If I'd known African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish and Asians would buy my clothes, I WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my clothes, as they are made for upper class white people." His answer to Oprah was a simple "YES". Where after she immediately Asked him to leave her show.

My suggestion? DON'T buy your next shirt or perfume from TommyHilfiger. Let's give him what he asked for. Let's not buy his clothes, let's put him in a financial state where he himself will not be able to Afford the ridiculous prices he puts on his clothes. BOYCOTT. PLEASE SEND THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU KNOW. If we are small, then send it to the whole community that's not white people and see the result. We have to see the result of unity. Let's find out if Asian and Non-white really play such a small part in the world. Stop buying any range of their product, perfume, cosmetics, clothes, bags, etc., etc.

this was one of those forwarded emails i got from a friend. how true is it?

the recent spate of ponderings among aiesecers surrounding the hype/ support/ prejudice/ acceptance of Asians has got me thinking. i dont know much, but i do know that you can't run away from racism. not here, not back home, not in any part of the world. it's funny, in today's world, being different pays. but at the same time, society repels differences that dont conform to their general environment.

there is a fine line between tolerance and acceptance yes?

i am intrigued.

of fatal disorders

excessive blog-reading disorder

2nd stage. time-consuming. overdramatic. hilarious. bombshells after camwhores after alchoholics. fan clubs. ticklish. deep and shallow, sick and sad. blatant honesty + outrageous thoughts + eroticism = sheer madness. but i'm hooked.

compulsive eating disorder

final stage. weight-threatening. latte tim tam. tim tam monte. dark chocolate tim tam dipped in cinnamon-tinted coffee. green tea, lemon twist, more green tea. then coffee again. biscuits with cheese. mushrooms galore, crunchylickalicious. pods. perfectly boiled eggs (hard whites, soft yellows). apples, oranges.. pears! my first in melbourne, the jackun-ness. cornflakes in yoghurt. melted peanut butter on soy and linseed bread. cherry ice-cream with chocolate flakes.

mia: sweet sour crab with steaming hot mantaos.
venue: kayelle.
time: 22nd june here i come!

mood-swing disorder

ongoing. disturbing. emotionally exhaustive. crazy. obssessive. freaking high, super low. acid bites of distaste. opinions. defensive. unending rounds of punches, if u're unlucky. saccharine sweet if otherwise. self-abusive. tormenting. destroys self-esteem, or whatever that's left of it.

internet-compelling disorder

a complete waste of time. MSN. things out of the blue. easy breakfast recipes. nursery rhymes. healthy eating. melbourne maps. intelligence tests. wallpapers. and screensavers! the addiction! autumn leaves, clocks with hands shaped as an autumn leaf, falling snow, 3D bubbles, loveydovey cupid hearts arrows, zodiac clock, sea life, nature. the excitement of watching the preview of downloaded screensavers, unbeatable.

being laughed at disorder
(this one's stupid and random but it's true and i insist on putting it in)

inspired since primary school. clown. joker. victim of false accusations. eg: melissawani. clumsy. actually, very clumsy. has issues with uneven surfaces, flat grounds, staircases, steps and playgrounds. swings! omgosh i love swings!naive. innocent. bodoh. oblivious to the birds and bees until much too late. ambitious. a dreamer. harboured young ambitions of becoming a queen, or will settle for princess by marrying a prince.

last-minute disorder

common ailment with most students. career-threatening. maybe life-threatening. think japan or korea. if that doesnt help, think of suicidal sprees. requires sponge-like brain for extraordinary absorbing powers. eyebag-prone. repetitive. perpetual. unavoidable. inevitable. stupid, but smart. stupid because it's not smart to push matters to the eleventh hour, smart because if you score it shows that you're not stupid. ha, this is proof of smart stupidity already.

it's 1.11am.

11 is my favourite number.

21 is supposed to be my lucky number.

1.11am.

what time is badminton tomorrow?!

consolidations.

HELP!

unwelcome thoughts

what makes you?

your upbringing. the values instilled in you by your family. your social circle. the shared bonds and perceptions.. the influence. your downfalls. picking up the pieces of distress and carrying newfound optimism forward. your highs. cherished memories carved out of spontaneity and inexhaustible fun. your thoughts. borne out of self-reflective moments that give u a sense of direction. your affliations. paving way for opportunities never considered before.

your experiences. instances of unforgettable events that indirectly define you, and mould you into the person you are today.

ever had that niggling feeling where you cant let go of what's over and done with?

some recollection of the past, you rather forget.

finding comfort in the heart of an excruciatingly unpleasant episode is almost impossible.

this, however, is one of the most breathtaking pictures captured on the opening night of the commonwealth games. the impressive display of lights on water on the yarra river, courtesy of vincent bu.

intelligence

it was a groggy morning, considering the lack of sleep. praying that a tram would come soon, i hopped onto the next one, and promptly set the finance notes on my lap. my last round of revision, 30minutes before time. the tram was half-full, and i mindlessly held my wallet in my hands, should the need arise for my to validate my ticket. next stop, william's street. in my mind, i was reasoning out why the riskfree interest rate gives value to call options. Next thing i knew, "Scuse me, can I see your ticket please?"

6th of june 2006. 060606.

my first tram fine, before my very first exam, and my very first time at the royal exhibition building.

moving on- 2 down, 2 more to go.

extreme procrastinators have a distorted view of exams. they cannot decide whether it's a good thing that the major component for assessment lies in that one final paper (which means there's not much reason to study during the semester), or that it's generally bad because they still have to cram everything in at the very last minute.

are exams actually a good measure of intelligence? if you think so, think again.

Multiple intelligences(1983) have been discovered by Howard Gardner:

Linguistic - The word player
Logical / Mathematical - The questioner
Visual / Spatial - The visualiser
Musical - The music lover
Bodily / Kinaesthetic - The mover
Interpersonal - The socialiser
Intrapersonal - The loner
Naturalistic - The nature lover

which one are you? http://www2.bgfl.org/bgfl2/custom/resources_ftp/client_ftp/ks3/ict/multiple_int/questions/choose_lang.cfm

on a completely unrelated note, shau fun (in white) turned 20 recently!

as always, we gave each other some boobybootyluvv..

dear all

it's no secret- friends keep you going.

thestudykakis:
faye the fly, thank you for all the wake-up calls, inspiring messages (at the least espected times) and motivation. thank you for making sure i eat, sleep and exercise, hehe.

piggyoinks, for making sure im okay and giving off happy vibes. talking with you has new dimensions- gossiping and talking in the library have never seemed seem so fun.

bbypers, for checking up on my well-being. it's comforting to share our misery on the horrid finance and time-deficient ob. and of course, your laughter.

thedahlings:
eshhter, sush, jo- your support and concern reach me from across the globe. that's amazing.

manda, for calling this morning to catch up. a pleasant surprise.

chien, for wishing me luck in a witty poem.

thehelpbunch:
daryl, for your patience and perseverance with the odd me. for making me laugh even when i dont want to. for caring. your threshold is incredible- how you put up with me i have no idea.

alvin, my new emo kaki. for sharing, for wanting to listen, for being there.

dannyial, for understanding. for attempts to please me with flattery (even though im skeptical) and comforting words. happy birthday!

theassortments:
wei hon, for always being a joy to talk to. for your continuous support and encouragement. for being the korr than you are.

michelle, for your well wishes. yes dear, i will try not to overstress.

thomas, for the interesting conversations. for dropping by here every now and then to share your thoughts.

lastly:
kev, for showing me how beautiful life can be. for being you, and for everything in between. YOU have made all the difference.

so long

broken

A million different pieces of heart, stepped on, crushed relentlessly and wrenched apart. The drowning of life, the removal of soul. The end of all things good.

pre-exam havoc

i am going to be like the rest of the world and RANT.

i am intelligence dehydrated.
i am so tired my eyes have gone past the droopy stage. it has now become deformed slits with heavy eyebags emphasizing the impact of terrible sleeping hours.
i am fat.
i am stupid.
i am annoyed.
my brain is overworked, and there is not enough cells to go around.
i feel like humpty dumpty.
my hands and feet are perpetually cold, but it has become so normal that i dont realize it anymore.
finance is torture.
exams are torture.
food is always a welcome retreat, but for all the wrong reasons.
did i mention i put on FIVE KG?!
i am currently not sane.
in fact, i will not be sane till another few weeks.
the thought of going to the airport alone is kinda daunting.
im such a pussy, i know.
to add on to that list, i am a lousy crammer. i have degraded myself to the point of no return, where understanding theories escapes me, and mathematical calculations makes no blardy sense.
frustration is an understatement.
i walked home in fear and aching leg muscles tonight.
yes, there were possums smiling at me.
no, i had no food.
admittedly, i was paranoid as usual. but that has already become me.
see what exams do to me?