numb

she stares blankly at the papers in front of her, seeing past the printed knowledge meant to save her this friday.

in the next half-moon cubicle, teenage boys throw vulgarities at each other, an obvious norm in their daily conversation. the chatter drones on, mildly comforting because it ties her down to the reality that she is not in the safe haven of rainbows. the cleaner stacks up the grey stools on the white tables. an unintentionally hostile move, depriving new customers of choice.. and reminding existing ones that it is already two hours past midnight. the music is strangely familiar; pop in all its young glory. the smell of fries wafts through the air. oil-laden, salt-infested, the staple meal for almost all present. two policemen walk in. two friends follow. medics arrive not long after. all with a common goal.. supper.

her shoulders rise with every breath, her body otherwise motionless. the calculated movements stop her from feeling already more suffocated than she already feels. the seat grows warmer by the minute, but her fingers turn icy cold. she wills the tears to come, but none surface. inside, the war continues. outside, she is the picture of tranquility.

she remembers the barter trade; vulnerability in exchange for sweet nothings.

she should have known.

in the driver's seat

with a shaky steering wheel. you wish you had more control, if only you knew which direction to go.

insidious pits..
every turn is littered with portholes. some large but shallow.. a few strategically obscured from view .. some you rather ignore because you refuse to acknowledge the consequences. you choose to play the fool.

no brakes..
every route taken is a step further away from home. the skeptic and the critic at odds with each other, racing towards the non-existent finishing line. no confetti for the champ, only the solace of self-justification. discipline and willpower going south, despite reality looming overhead. your mind tells you to reverse, but your foot slams down the accelerator. a capsize of your mind's sensibility.

diverging roads..
ever so frequent, another path emerges. another sacrifice to make with every choice you follow. or possibly, another chance to redeem yourself and move towards the light. baby steps, to make a difference.

broken mirrors..
distorting your view. you unwittingly close an eye to all except what you want to see. what catches your attention can only serve to beguile the gullible, to lure you deeper into an idealism of false security. a self-fabricated wall built from self-designed presumptions. a reiteration of unproductive thoughts.

where are the traffic lights to stop you from cruising around aimlessly?
where are the hidden cameras meant to deter breaking the speed limits?
why isnt there a good feeling about this journey?

the truth is you probably sent yourself on a mental guilt trip. a prolonged excursion that never quite settles for a destination because you are too busy kicking yourself to decide where to go. in fact, you are not even sure if you got over the resentment of the past. you fear too much of hurting others, but get hurt yourself. you seek approval from people you do not need it from. you are living in self-inflicted pressure, stretching yourself way too thin. a constant state of denial, a somewhat skewed faith in extreme optimism.

i want a change.
a purpose-driven life; simpler and with a focus. being selective is being effective.

what drives your life?

p.s. to add cheer to your day, try Copperpot's fine selection of delectable 2-in-1 dips. top 3 on the list include Lemon garlic prawns & avocado mayo, Chilli crab & spring onion and Cracked pepper & pesto. best enjoyed with crisp crackers, no expectations and the usual state of befuddlement.

daze

swirling sensations.
the feel of warmth spreading
over your fingers,
your cheeks,
your lips.
tantalizing.
you want to fight the desire,
resist the temptation,
mask the vulnerability
and the slight tremor
barely noticeable, unless you look closely.
heightened pleasure,
racing heartbeats,
a million sparks
and a wandering mind.
rushing, pulsing, throbbing.

such dizzying effects, caffeine can bring.
the wonderful love-hate relationship that ignites impulsive, compulsive behaviour.
for better or for worse.

the first contact

The seconds halt into minutes of calm surrealism. The wave of comfort washes over you, engulfing your senses, lifting you off your feet.

Left, right, front, back.. people around you are singing praise. The words ring clear, and you lose yourself in the crowd. It is almost as if they are serenading you into rapture.

Something tugs at your heart. Someone knocks at your door. He wants to guide you through the valleys, turn your tears into joy, never once letting go off your hand.

The flowers will never stop blooming if you dont want them to. The green so vast that you never want to get to the other side. The colours of your life, so beautiful when you cast your doubts away.

take me away with you
i wanna be close to you
take me away into the secret place..

learning points

the past two weeks have taught me that:

• silk undies are the ultimate joys of being a woman/ daughter of a woman.
  
• unhealthy amount of long blacks, jasmine tea, dark chocolate and peanut butter pizzas can lead to fantasies of savoury food and revolting repercussions.
  
• studying corporate finance comes close to reading a storybook if you exclude the calculations. the kind of book you actually want to finish in one night, but not by choice. of course, the midsem test will allocate an entire section to bloody lease payments which you deliberately skipped. trade-off theory: the benefits of (barely) sufficient sleep + a bedtime story offsets the negative mindblock of understanding the mindless calculations.
• derivative securities. after skimming through 3 lectures, it suddenly hits you that derivatives = derivation = deriving currents from futures. how could that have skipped you right from the start? and isnt it terminally wrong to call them lecture notes if we are expected to copy notes onto our lecture slides in class?
  
• disappointment is the fruit of expectations. you dont even realize you expected something until it doesnt happen. give more, expect less. im still learning.
• moving three girls' garbage into a new home not found yet is harder than originally thought. perfect timing too.
• animal grooves. forgive the monkey for her love of bananas, the rat for always scrounging the kitchen for food, the mouse for consuming too much cheese for her own good and the pig for looking like one. funny, dad always called me a fox.
• general knowledge: ignorance or sheer lack of pursuit?
• promises.. are going to stay unbroken. a promise to make a picnic happen in Flagstaff Gardens will materialize. even if it's only gonna be me, myself, a book and a beach mat.
• the carrot breakthrough- could my eyesight possibly be deteoriating concurrently with the decreasing consumption of the orange miracle?
  
• beer, cakes, pictures, coffee, sun and rain, material gifts.. intangible treasures of a big girl in pigtails and a lollipop in hand. boo the guards/bouncers who kept requesting for ID! showers of love, insults and ramblings from months of separation. nothing comes close to spending time with the two most precious people in your life.
  

now on to snapping out of the reverie.. hopefully.

give me strength

for all the dahlings around the world, i miss you.

recent highs

What is your impact?

AIESEC Victoria Statecon 2007. motivation pulsing through every member. pride and ownership over the LC, the region, the organisation. the great debate. capture. leadership & management tips. personal reflection. goal-setting. going international. going intensive (URians, you guys are awesome). discussions, contracts, sugar cubes. the barn, the dining room, the bunks. the party room, mingling seshs, the late night chat till dawn. sleeping bag-deprived, but overflowing with warmth, from inside.

i cannot possibly do justice to a three day rendesvous in the hills of golden valey lodge, stuck with a 100 odd delegates who were either

cross dressers,

skollers/drunkards,

frisbee players,
cooks,

slave drivers,
still in school,

or too attached to get up,

in a measly paragraph. these snapshots of memories, along with a host of line dances, chants and crazy parties live on.

goodbye lush greens, hello go-getter.
admittedly, the end is always the start of something new.

such joy, prancing on the sands of St Kilda, lost in time as we left everything behind in the suffocating city. unburnt scrambled eggs for breakfast, a rarity. freezing in the cold wind, laughing as our hearts sang in light-hearted company . such generosity, the photographers who took numerous pictures for us. such fun, i wanna do it again!

love you girls.

then there was the mornington trip which started on such a bright, bright note..

went a little crazier

more colourful

but a poor sick soul came home, promptly showered and went to bed.

which is what anyone without a voice but facing a volleyball match and a midsem test tomorrow should do anyway.

gnight!

oh no

joshua's weighing scale wasnt lying today..

.. i did indeed put on another kg this week.

soon, i wont be able to fit through the door.