fragmented yesterdays

was reading the old posts..

hazy recollections, too faint to be certain.
the cheeriness, the metaphors, the dark thoughts,
familiar yet strangely distant.
could it have been that long ago?

was looking at the old pictures..

.. nights out, partying, drinking, camwhoring.
the faces, so young.. the smiles, so carefree.
i almost forgot how everything has changed.
surely it cant just be me?

was gonna start writing the overdue article..

.. but instead was reminded of the past.
the buried emotions, the memories left behind.
the melancholy gets to you sometimes.
is this how it is supposed to feel?

you dont realize how far ahead you are until you stop to look behind..

.. just make sure you get back on track soon enough.

the man of my life

i love how you send me quirky e-mails

that have me laughing out loud
with you, at you, at us.
it's amazing how we have reached a point
where anything at all can be said.

i love your delightful insights
about life, about me, about people around us.
you never fail to surprise me
with your sharp observations.
your intuition has already gotten you so far.

i love how you have let me go,
yet still hold a part of me.

im sorry i cant be home this winter
you know i would love to..

happy fathers' day pa!

numb

she stares blankly at the papers in front of her, seeing past the printed knowledge meant to save her this friday.

in the next half-moon cubicle, teenage boys throw vulgarities at each other, an obvious norm in their daily conversation. the chatter drones on, mildly comforting because it ties her down to the reality that she is not in the safe haven of rainbows. the cleaner stacks up the grey stools on the white tables. an unintentionally hostile move, depriving new customers of choice.. and reminding existing ones that it is already two hours past midnight. the music is strangely familiar; pop in all its young glory. the smell of fries wafts through the air. oil-laden, salt-infested, the staple meal for almost all present. two policemen walk in. two friends follow. medics arrive not long after. all with a common goal.. supper.

her shoulders rise with every breath, her body otherwise motionless. the calculated movements stop her from feeling already more suffocated than she already feels. the seat grows warmer by the minute, but her fingers turn icy cold. she wills the tears to come, but none surface. inside, the war continues. outside, she is the picture of tranquility.

she remembers the barter trade; vulnerability in exchange for sweet nothings.

she should have known.

in the driver's seat

with a shaky steering wheel. you wish you had more control, if only you knew which direction to go.

insidious pits..
every turn is littered with portholes. some large but shallow.. a few strategically obscured from view .. some you rather ignore because you refuse to acknowledge the consequences. you choose to play the fool.

no brakes..
every route taken is a step further away from home. the skeptic and the critic at odds with each other, racing towards the non-existent finishing line. no confetti for the champ, only the solace of self-justification. discipline and willpower going south, despite reality looming overhead. your mind tells you to reverse, but your foot slams down the accelerator. a capsize of your mind's sensibility.

diverging roads..
ever so frequent, another path emerges. another sacrifice to make with every choice you follow. or possibly, another chance to redeem yourself and move towards the light. baby steps, to make a difference.

broken mirrors..
distorting your view. you unwittingly close an eye to all except what you want to see. what catches your attention can only serve to beguile the gullible, to lure you deeper into an idealism of false security. a self-fabricated wall built from self-designed presumptions. a reiteration of unproductive thoughts.

where are the traffic lights to stop you from cruising around aimlessly?
where are the hidden cameras meant to deter breaking the speed limits?
why isnt there a good feeling about this journey?

the truth is you probably sent yourself on a mental guilt trip. a prolonged excursion that never quite settles for a destination because you are too busy kicking yourself to decide where to go. in fact, you are not even sure if you got over the resentment of the past. you fear too much of hurting others, but get hurt yourself. you seek approval from people you do not need it from. you are living in self-inflicted pressure, stretching yourself way too thin. a constant state of denial, a somewhat skewed faith in extreme optimism.

i want a change.
a purpose-driven life; simpler and with a focus. being selective is being effective.

what drives your life?

p.s. to add cheer to your day, try Copperpot's fine selection of delectable 2-in-1 dips. top 3 on the list include Lemon garlic prawns & avocado mayo, Chilli crab & spring onion and Cracked pepper & pesto. best enjoyed with crisp crackers, no expectations and the usual state of befuddlement.

daze

swirling sensations.
the feel of warmth spreading
over your fingers,
your cheeks,
your lips.
tantalizing.
you want to fight the desire,
resist the temptation,
mask the vulnerability
and the slight tremor
barely noticeable, unless you look closely.
heightened pleasure,
racing heartbeats,
a million sparks
and a wandering mind.
rushing, pulsing, throbbing.

such dizzying effects, caffeine can bring.
the wonderful love-hate relationship that ignites impulsive, compulsive behaviour.
for better or for worse.

the first contact

The seconds halt into minutes of calm surrealism. The wave of comfort washes over you, engulfing your senses, lifting you off your feet.

Left, right, front, back.. people around you are singing praise. The words ring clear, and you lose yourself in the crowd. It is almost as if they are serenading you into rapture.

Something tugs at your heart. Someone knocks at your door. He wants to guide you through the valleys, turn your tears into joy, never once letting go off your hand.

The flowers will never stop blooming if you dont want them to. The green so vast that you never want to get to the other side. The colours of your life, so beautiful when you cast your doubts away.

take me away with you
i wanna be close to you
take me away into the secret place..

learning points

the past two weeks have taught me that:

• silk undies are the ultimate joys of being a woman/ daughter of a woman.
  
• unhealthy amount of long blacks, jasmine tea, dark chocolate and peanut butter pizzas can lead to fantasies of savoury food and revolting repercussions.
  
• studying corporate finance comes close to reading a storybook if you exclude the calculations. the kind of book you actually want to finish in one night, but not by choice. of course, the midsem test will allocate an entire section to bloody lease payments which you deliberately skipped. trade-off theory: the benefits of (barely) sufficient sleep + a bedtime story offsets the negative mindblock of understanding the mindless calculations.
• derivative securities. after skimming through 3 lectures, it suddenly hits you that derivatives = derivation = deriving currents from futures. how could that have skipped you right from the start? and isnt it terminally wrong to call them lecture notes if we are expected to copy notes onto our lecture slides in class?
  
• disappointment is the fruit of expectations. you dont even realize you expected something until it doesnt happen. give more, expect less. im still learning.
• moving three girls' garbage into a new home not found yet is harder than originally thought. perfect timing too.
• animal grooves. forgive the monkey for her love of bananas, the rat for always scrounging the kitchen for food, the mouse for consuming too much cheese for her own good and the pig for looking like one. funny, dad always called me a fox.
• general knowledge: ignorance or sheer lack of pursuit?
• promises.. are going to stay unbroken. a promise to make a picnic happen in Flagstaff Gardens will materialize. even if it's only gonna be me, myself, a book and a beach mat.
• the carrot breakthrough- could my eyesight possibly be deteoriating concurrently with the decreasing consumption of the orange miracle?
  
• beer, cakes, pictures, coffee, sun and rain, material gifts.. intangible treasures of a big girl in pigtails and a lollipop in hand. boo the guards/bouncers who kept requesting for ID! showers of love, insults and ramblings from months of separation. nothing comes close to spending time with the two most precious people in your life.
  

now on to snapping out of the reverie.. hopefully.

give me strength

for all the dahlings around the world, i miss you.