handyman

fixing the shower head today.

so meticulous, handling the equipment with utmost care. something about the intense concentration in his eyes.. the genuine desire to make it all work smoothly. the subtle physical strength, toned and pulsing through the movements. so courteous on one hand, and yet so masculine on the other.

i could go on..

but in one word,

heart to heart

sun & wine at port melbourne

pensive..

one of those times, when i turn to words for clarity of thought- a weirdly fulfilling way of digesting the spurts of emotion, to learn and see for myself how my mind works. there was a word that daryl and lx once used back at deli france in BSC, to explain why people write only when during gloomy days. hah, im one of those people.. dwelling in extremes- overflowing words for rain, narcissistic pictures for sunshine. all this while being horribly cryptic, possibly because im detail-phobic when it comes to me.. or because ive grown so accustomed to using the sensitivity shield; the less you know, the less i have to explain!=D
.. doesnt always work out well- creating more confusion that wanted, igniting curiosity beyond my sharing capacity..in all sincerity, it's unintentional=]

reading..

a rarity, as many would know. now a nightly ritual, to read until the eyes are heavy.. and yet still pushing on to the very last word.

i kissed dating goodbye (the revelation clears up the fog- thank you pigs). little women. a maid from heaven. boy meets girl. the buddha, geoff and me (back to you next year, heids). a life unleashed (well-timed, josh. thank you!). laughter, the best malaysian (tickles fly silly).

so much depth in each; sporadic statements all over that do you in till dawn. exceptional insight, subtle and inspiring. uniquely different in their own ways, a spiritual awakening, childhood re-visitations, cheer ups for the soul. makes me think all over again; something i tried to avoid during the year. a great spring clean though, sorting through the jumble pummeled deep inside. saying hello to the doubts that still linger, accepting new values, finding strength to see them through.

being comfortable..
could never equate to contentment.. not for long anyway. a part of me wants so badly to stay put, but a larger part pushes me along the parlous path. the roadblock up ahead barricades you into asking what's next? there is no correct answer, only a slow inching of distance forward from trespassing new grounds. precarious, but so tangible.. so close.

21 is only a number..

it sums up a reckless youth, an untimed horizon of living for today, a searching chapter selfishly defined. an indefinite amount of moments to remember, to cherish, to feed the soul.

been wanting to write about my AIESEC Experience.. will get to it soon.

the clock still ticks..

time to move out of the comfort zone- refreshed and fire rekindled.
new year's resolutions..?

and so it ends

albeit on a sweltering hot note.
where was the heat when i needed it?
flies no more!
buzz no more!

the mental, emotional and physical breakdowns..
with the trustworthy golden bowl rescuers, the flyBong combo
decidedly a blessing or a lesson learnt,
depending on which way you look at it

binge-eating..
like you've never eaten before
munch, chomp, shiver with delight,
but mind you, consumed with guilt

breaking the dawn, with the sweat of a pen..
surely, the day will come when i will be one of them
who sashay the swotvac away
alas, a chance no more!

rising to the dreaded alarm..
even though you swore you barely slept 5 minutes ago
fasting on internet, living on V,
thriving on newfound friendships on the table

this is the point of no return..
when sleep beckons, but not taken
at the detriment of the body and soul
but the mind rests yay!

no cobwebs no more isaac?
and yes more procrastination kenny
i think i want a puppy.

way up high

leap, jump, shout,
reach for the stars

happiness is remembered in the moments.

i quote

one by one, they all left.

some words lose their meaning when said too often. most words have no meaning anymore.

you know you've lost something when you start avoiding people. and online dialogues. and e-mails.

and you find comfort in swirly substances and food.

time has never seemed so scarce.

since when was my tolerance level so low?

i want to be simple-minded. i want to sit down at mr tulk's when it's half full, soak up the sun (no wind please) and read a book.

i want to go back to school.

how could i lose the umbrella?

blood is thicker than water. and that's why time away from fluids is well worth the familial bond.

so i put on weight. big deal. prosperity goes a long way.

i miss everyone. but that just means i have no one here.

whirlwind, this is what this is.

(attempting to be) politically correct

6 old friends seated around an oversized table, last night's discussion was terribly enlightening and disturbingly frightening. stuck on a seesaw between kee's world of local pun, kampung boy mat and sustagenius ads versus hot belle (who chose the beast), slutty (when hypnotised by ja'afar) princess jasmine and sexy ariel ( who can sing underwater), the waitress must have heaved a huge sigh of relief to see off a group of noise leave too late into the night.

it is no startling fact, but this heightened awareness contrived by a ruthless discussion on the Malaysian government- it is a gnawing feeling of distrust enshrined by negative international press, secrets unveiled and underlying racial tension only discussed behind closed doors.

but who is to determine what is right?
by what standards do we aspire the authority to abide?
has there been and will there ever be a utilitarian framework of ethical judgements and shining transparency put to practice?

if anything, precedence breeds today's subtle but somewhat unsuccessful concealing act. unless there is a local jason bourne to save the day?


it is the same the world over.

agreed. humanity, in general, is too smart for the loopholes on the road. we all rejoice over public holidays, recoil at rising tax rates and rekindle the love for juicy tabloids. we take pride in luxurious cars, blaze through the city with anticipation of the vibrant nightlife, and take up that symbolic cheer of teh tarik over dented plastic tables.

i grew up with the loveliest "dik, nak tumpang ke..?" makciks as neighbours, a superstar athlete bestie who could beat me at the 100m sprint in her tudung and tracks, the fiercest indian jokers who made you laugh till you had stomach cramps, and a full-fledged (half) banana volleyball team who could not understand our competitors' mandarin. i still think ning baizura is beautiful, and that the enthralling performing arts industry in underrated.


in some weird and obscure way, i might have been affected by the admittedly biased NEP. along the way too, i realized it didnt really matter so much if i had a roof, some pocket money, an education, good fun and the bestest of friends. point is, i grew up happy.

i wouldnt trade the experience for the world, political injustice or not. im still going home.

this too, shall pass

surely it is not an overreaction of sorts, surely this must be a case of cat and mouse chasing nothing and everything at the same time? or you know, pulling the rabbit out of the hat after it miraculously disappeared before..?

you had your chance..

to see a friend step up.. and yet not to be there, to hear the laughter over barbeque.. from afar, to cover the tears with good cheer.. but dying a little inside. to be inspired to write.. but for all the wrong reasons. no, it is not the caffeine that makes my hands tremble tonight.

knowing isnt quite the same as sharing is it?

you had your share..

could be the result of crowd aversions and secret getaways. could be the reverse of a metamorphosis, a cocooning of thoughts.. hardening away into an empty shell, shielding a devolution of flesh. selfish, that is what this is. that reluctance should arise when taking a step back is for the betterment of most, if not all. the deviation of values, the pathetic feeling of rejection, the over-reliance on comfort taken for granted.

blissful ignorance was never an option was it?

no wonder the ferrero rochers sitting outside have been dwindling in numbers so quickly. if i stay awake long enough, it might do the disappearing act too.

thank you

for not judging,
despite the whispers.
for holding the umbrella,
even when it was too small for two.
for welcoming with open arms,
a faded rainbow.
for entertaining an insatiable appetite,
from north to south to city to town.
for not just tolerating the angry outburst,
but turning the despair into smiles.
And most of all..
for showing me the world,
in one weekend.

of love-hate relationships

it is like hitting the replay button, because the mental wars never stop.

i love you. i hate you.
you're delicious. you're worth 100grams of fat for every mouthful i partake.
you are addictive. you are detrimental to my health.
you let me down. and then you surprise me.
the performance is satisfaction-guaranteed. i just wish i didnt have to watch it with you.
you take up too much time. you are also my most rewarding experience.
you mean the world to me. if only you werent just twirling me around your fingers.
you make me happy. i dont even know you.
you can criticize my values and my reasons. just dont impose yours on me.
frustrating is your middle name. endearing is your first.
you unleash the competitive streak in me.
you also pull my muscles, and i cant walk down the stairs tomorrow.
you are horribly delightful, messing with my mind. i think the lights are so pretty.
you give me headaches and clog my throat. you are my most valid excuse.
i dont ever wanna hear from you again. one call lights up my day.

ironically, the same euphoric highs you get are inevitably going to be as pronounced as the psychotic breakdowns. blast the good times, lets get on to the next adventure.

hoping isnt all that bad, as long as you expect the worst.

choice

comes with a price.

a sacrifice, a stoical perseverance that either makes or breaks you.

the ultimate highs. your soul-breaking experiences. the wasted time and captured moments. the friends you hold close to your heart. your lovelies. your excessive consumption of gastronomical delights. your alchohol indulgence. the moments spent running away, from responsibilities.. and reality. your soft spot. the straying temptation. your endless laughter, and streaming tears. your fears unfaced. candid shots. the views beyond your imagination..

..the memory collage is beautiful.

the malaysian weekend

exhausted body, exhilarating games, excellent company.

the cumulation of MASCA Games ended in the grand finale Msian Night- where Victoria meets South Australia meets Tasmania meets Queensland meets New South meets Western Australia meets Canberra in a night of traditional glamour.

the Victorian vball team

happy people

dejavu at san remo

sisters beautiful in green

some of the podium takers

matching reds

good ol times

thumbs up

mixed doubles gold!

sydney-ians

silver for vball!

the inter-state badminton entourage

we meet again

the natural angle

my lovelies throughout

bite baby

night lights

super martini

what a weekend! i could not have been happier.. it's been awhile.

next up, MelCon!

fragmented yesterdays

was reading the old posts..

hazy recollections, too faint to be certain.
the cheeriness, the metaphors, the dark thoughts,
familiar yet strangely distant.
could it have been that long ago?

was looking at the old pictures..

.. nights out, partying, drinking, camwhoring.
the faces, so young.. the smiles, so carefree.
i almost forgot how everything has changed.
surely it cant just be me?

was gonna start writing the overdue article..

.. but instead was reminded of the past.
the buried emotions, the memories left behind.
the melancholy gets to you sometimes.
is this how it is supposed to feel?

you dont realize how far ahead you are until you stop to look behind..

.. just make sure you get back on track soon enough.

the man of my life

i love how you send me quirky e-mails

that have me laughing out loud
with you, at you, at us.
it's amazing how we have reached a point
where anything at all can be said.

i love your delightful insights
about life, about me, about people around us.
you never fail to surprise me
with your sharp observations.
your intuition has already gotten you so far.

i love how you have let me go,
yet still hold a part of me.

im sorry i cant be home this winter
you know i would love to..

happy fathers' day pa!

numb

she stares blankly at the papers in front of her, seeing past the printed knowledge meant to save her this friday.

in the next half-moon cubicle, teenage boys throw vulgarities at each other, an obvious norm in their daily conversation. the chatter drones on, mildly comforting because it ties her down to the reality that she is not in the safe haven of rainbows. the cleaner stacks up the grey stools on the white tables. an unintentionally hostile move, depriving new customers of choice.. and reminding existing ones that it is already two hours past midnight. the music is strangely familiar; pop in all its young glory. the smell of fries wafts through the air. oil-laden, salt-infested, the staple meal for almost all present. two policemen walk in. two friends follow. medics arrive not long after. all with a common goal.. supper.

her shoulders rise with every breath, her body otherwise motionless. the calculated movements stop her from feeling already more suffocated than she already feels. the seat grows warmer by the minute, but her fingers turn icy cold. she wills the tears to come, but none surface. inside, the war continues. outside, she is the picture of tranquility.

she remembers the barter trade; vulnerability in exchange for sweet nothings.

she should have known.

in the driver's seat

with a shaky steering wheel. you wish you had more control, if only you knew which direction to go.

insidious pits..
every turn is littered with portholes. some large but shallow.. a few strategically obscured from view .. some you rather ignore because you refuse to acknowledge the consequences. you choose to play the fool.

no brakes..
every route taken is a step further away from home. the skeptic and the critic at odds with each other, racing towards the non-existent finishing line. no confetti for the champ, only the solace of self-justification. discipline and willpower going south, despite reality looming overhead. your mind tells you to reverse, but your foot slams down the accelerator. a capsize of your mind's sensibility.

diverging roads..
ever so frequent, another path emerges. another sacrifice to make with every choice you follow. or possibly, another chance to redeem yourself and move towards the light. baby steps, to make a difference.

broken mirrors..
distorting your view. you unwittingly close an eye to all except what you want to see. what catches your attention can only serve to beguile the gullible, to lure you deeper into an idealism of false security. a self-fabricated wall built from self-designed presumptions. a reiteration of unproductive thoughts.

where are the traffic lights to stop you from cruising around aimlessly?
where are the hidden cameras meant to deter breaking the speed limits?
why isnt there a good feeling about this journey?

the truth is you probably sent yourself on a mental guilt trip. a prolonged excursion that never quite settles for a destination because you are too busy kicking yourself to decide where to go. in fact, you are not even sure if you got over the resentment of the past. you fear too much of hurting others, but get hurt yourself. you seek approval from people you do not need it from. you are living in self-inflicted pressure, stretching yourself way too thin. a constant state of denial, a somewhat skewed faith in extreme optimism.

i want a change.
a purpose-driven life; simpler and with a focus. being selective is being effective.

what drives your life?

p.s. to add cheer to your day, try Copperpot's fine selection of delectable 2-in-1 dips. top 3 on the list include Lemon garlic prawns & avocado mayo, Chilli crab & spring onion and Cracked pepper & pesto. best enjoyed with crisp crackers, no expectations and the usual state of befuddlement.

daze

swirling sensations.
the feel of warmth spreading
over your fingers,
your cheeks,
your lips.
tantalizing.
you want to fight the desire,
resist the temptation,
mask the vulnerability
and the slight tremor
barely noticeable, unless you look closely.
heightened pleasure,
racing heartbeats,
a million sparks
and a wandering mind.
rushing, pulsing, throbbing.

such dizzying effects, caffeine can bring.
the wonderful love-hate relationship that ignites impulsive, compulsive behaviour.
for better or for worse.

the first contact

The seconds halt into minutes of calm surrealism. The wave of comfort washes over you, engulfing your senses, lifting you off your feet.

Left, right, front, back.. people around you are singing praise. The words ring clear, and you lose yourself in the crowd. It is almost as if they are serenading you into rapture.

Something tugs at your heart. Someone knocks at your door. He wants to guide you through the valleys, turn your tears into joy, never once letting go off your hand.

The flowers will never stop blooming if you dont want them to. The green so vast that you never want to get to the other side. The colours of your life, so beautiful when you cast your doubts away.

take me away with you
i wanna be close to you
take me away into the secret place..

learning points

the past two weeks have taught me that:

• silk undies are the ultimate joys of being a woman/ daughter of a woman.
  
• unhealthy amount of long blacks, jasmine tea, dark chocolate and peanut butter pizzas can lead to fantasies of savoury food and revolting repercussions.
  
• studying corporate finance comes close to reading a storybook if you exclude the calculations. the kind of book you actually want to finish in one night, but not by choice. of course, the midsem test will allocate an entire section to bloody lease payments which you deliberately skipped. trade-off theory: the benefits of (barely) sufficient sleep + a bedtime story offsets the negative mindblock of understanding the mindless calculations.
• derivative securities. after skimming through 3 lectures, it suddenly hits you that derivatives = derivation = deriving currents from futures. how could that have skipped you right from the start? and isnt it terminally wrong to call them lecture notes if we are expected to copy notes onto our lecture slides in class?
  
• disappointment is the fruit of expectations. you dont even realize you expected something until it doesnt happen. give more, expect less. im still learning.
• moving three girls' garbage into a new home not found yet is harder than originally thought. perfect timing too.
• animal grooves. forgive the monkey for her love of bananas, the rat for always scrounging the kitchen for food, the mouse for consuming too much cheese for her own good and the pig for looking like one. funny, dad always called me a fox.
• general knowledge: ignorance or sheer lack of pursuit?
• promises.. are going to stay unbroken. a promise to make a picnic happen in Flagstaff Gardens will materialize. even if it's only gonna be me, myself, a book and a beach mat.
• the carrot breakthrough- could my eyesight possibly be deteoriating concurrently with the decreasing consumption of the orange miracle?
  
• beer, cakes, pictures, coffee, sun and rain, material gifts.. intangible treasures of a big girl in pigtails and a lollipop in hand. boo the guards/bouncers who kept requesting for ID! showers of love, insults and ramblings from months of separation. nothing comes close to spending time with the two most precious people in your life.
  

now on to snapping out of the reverie.. hopefully.

give me strength

for all the dahlings around the world, i miss you.

recent highs

What is your impact?

AIESEC Victoria Statecon 2007. motivation pulsing through every member. pride and ownership over the LC, the region, the organisation. the great debate. capture. leadership & management tips. personal reflection. goal-setting. going international. going intensive (URians, you guys are awesome). discussions, contracts, sugar cubes. the barn, the dining room, the bunks. the party room, mingling seshs, the late night chat till dawn. sleeping bag-deprived, but overflowing with warmth, from inside.

i cannot possibly do justice to a three day rendesvous in the hills of golden valey lodge, stuck with a 100 odd delegates who were either

cross dressers,

skollers/drunkards,

frisbee players,
cooks,

slave drivers,
still in school,

or too attached to get up,

in a measly paragraph. these snapshots of memories, along with a host of line dances, chants and crazy parties live on.

goodbye lush greens, hello go-getter.
admittedly, the end is always the start of something new.

such joy, prancing on the sands of St Kilda, lost in time as we left everything behind in the suffocating city. unburnt scrambled eggs for breakfast, a rarity. freezing in the cold wind, laughing as our hearts sang in light-hearted company . such generosity, the photographers who took numerous pictures for us. such fun, i wanna do it again!

love you girls.

then there was the mornington trip which started on such a bright, bright note..

went a little crazier

more colourful

but a poor sick soul came home, promptly showered and went to bed.

which is what anyone without a voice but facing a volleyball match and a midsem test tomorrow should do anyway.

gnight!