the heart of the matter

what dyou do when words fail you, and all that escapes your lips are trivial to the heart of the matter? of course, no amount of pleasantry or gifts can mend the broken.

what can you do when there are no options to exhaust, but only scars as a glaring reminder of the pain? will the air always be this thick with discomfort, or is there an avenue for a breath of fresh air? is this just another stumbling block in the walk of relationships that matter most to you?

what dyou do when every waking moment is tormented by guilt, and even the few hours of light sleep feels like a nightmare? why were values abandoned and priorities shifted in the light of trying times? how many nails must be hammered in before you ever learn?

someone please tell me there will be a rainbow after the rain this time.

empty clutches in the dark

if not for the two angels who give without expecting, love without judging, and understand like no other.

there's a first time for everything

my first sunset

avilion's chalets lacing the sky in Port Dickson

with treasured company, since touching down on malaysian shores. aptly-timed, it was a reward, a welcome and a farewell of sorts for the hardworking hosts of a silver jubilee, a newly-returned china-fied soul and a prospective australian engineer respectively. it was, for the first time in the longest time, the most blissful getaway i could dream of.

my first shot

caught in awe of one Putrajaya bridge

of Putrajaya, where the architectural beauty of many structures lie under-utilised and perhaps, unappreciated. objects of great stature include numerous bridges, government buildings and the almost fairytale-like palace they call a mosque. with a trigger-happy family, we now have many photos to look back on.

my first concert

"we sing. we dance. we steal things"

with the incredibly sexy jason mraz. almost a sauna replicate, the stadium thrived on the heat of a seasoned performer who would have done more justice singing in a cozier set up. while in dire need of more air ventilation, it was a heartwarming 2 hours of cheering, clapping and admitedly, some screaming.

my first touch

new friends finding home on a rubber thong (not mine)

of morib beach, where we made friends with little crabs and miniature snails in soggy sand. originally meant to be a sampling of the infamous 'hat yi kai' (beggar's chicken), it was a pleasant enough walk on the endless sands of low-tide. note to self: pre-book chicken in advance.

my first flight

one of them big bullies before our tiny speedboat ride to labuan jetty

to labuan, where tuaran mee, chocolate and beer became the mainstay of work. a steep learning curve that made for an east-malaysia journey of high expectations and adrenaline. luckily, there was plenty of grub to keep going in an island far from home.

my first drink

thirst-quencher

to have when in need of a thirst-quencher, considering the tax and duty-free haven. for one month only, we splurged. helps to have some crazy colleagues around to keep you sane:)

my first chick

baby chicks in their wide-eyed innocence

in the jungle-worthy throes of poultry and palm oil in Kulim. accused of smelling like a chicken half the time, the exposure to something beyond your usual sanitation standards was quite an experience. but with so much good cheer in tow, it was a memorable 2 weeks:)

my first real taste

penang bridge caught from the backseat

of penang, complete with sun, sea, sand and (para) sailing. needless to say, the food was up to the mark at any given place or time. for awhile, it was the paragon of healthy living, if you discount the customary oil with every plate of hawker goodness.

my first outdoor jog

the lush greenery at penang's botanical gardens

of the year, after a a long hiatus. in the company of monkeys and do-gooders, the 'run' was a sorry reminder of how today's gyms have elevated the idea of exercising through made-easy machines and feel-good instructors. nothing beats the refreshing au naturel.

my first post

since i started clocking in the hours in the audit line. i've come to realize that many still stereotype auditors as accountants who deal only with numbers, which is so far off the truth. the assumptions people live with these days.. i beg to digress.
so far, so good:D

what is love?

not a very smart choice to tackle this age-old mire that many try to understand, but fail, and others shy away from. a bewilderment that leaves many questions unanswered, i found some food for thought after a series of events.

i thought that love is about making sacrifices.
about making choices that messes up your plans, vexes you silly and then realizing in an instinctive afterthought that he really is worth your while after all.

love is about plonking down on the sofa next to him and knowing that there's no other place you would rather be.
whether you're tired, moody or overjoyed, he is the first person you're bursting inside to tell.

love is about the million and one sensations that flood your entire being when you're missing his company, and you know it is not just an amatory conquest.

love is when you feel at home even when you're not at home.
because he makes you feel whole.

it is when every other person is playing to an affectation of hellos, and how are yous, but you are consciously being submerged in the ups and downs of a reality show. because things do get blown out of proportion sometimes, and as much as you dont want to, you still cry.

love is about finding time to spend with each other, whether on a long-distance phonecall or just sitting by the sidewalk together, trying to watch the world go by but really just drawing out the comfortable silence.

right?

but i thought wrong.

it is not that the flowers and birthday cards dont matter. like all other relationships, it is not just about how far you can go.. but how much you can take.

can you take the periods of neglect, when it feels like rejection but really is just a busy period at work? can you take the unreturned text messages that fell on blind eyes because studying for an important exam got in the way? do periods of non-communication eat you up inside, and you're tired of being the first to call? can you find it within yourself to understand completely, without expectations, when parents and friends take first place?

love is when every little thing matters, but nothing, absolutely nothing, changes the way you feel even when you know there is more to life than waiting around for the next romantic movie together.

there is no telling how or why or when i will know the feeling.



only the sky is the limit.

here in KL

at Legend Hotel, for my parents' 25th wedding anniversary

it's been awhile.

the year spent in China flew by, and before i knew it, i was whisked away back to the familiarity of home. everything about home reminds me of something.

round-table dinners remind me of my teenage weekend family dinners where we always order too much, which speaks for how we still eat too much today. the traffic lights remind me of the hours we spent getting caught in traffic jams, and how Malaysian drivers have a knack for staring at road accidents. at least i know now that China isnt that much different. the shopping complexes always seem bigger, expanding in height somehow, and there are even more brand names to spoil shopaholics all over. turning into my street, i was reminded of how i used to watch little kids chase each other on their miniature bicycles while walking Chester. that was back when us neighbours still caught up for girly chats during evening walks, when time still passed in opportune steps without the lure of the car or night-outs.

there are more wine-chillers in the house, which means more parties and more toasts to come. but alcohol isnt everything anymore. spending time reading a good book with comfy shorts somehow feels more inviting. one day, im gonna travel around Malaysia and know the cultures and cuisines like the back of my hand, just like how i made Australia and China my second homes once.

there's just something about viewing old things with new eyes.

i still love my bed:)